


Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 468

by crazyoldhermit



Series: Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit [20]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-01
Updated: 2016-04-01
Packaged: 2018-05-30 13:13:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6425395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyoldhermit/pseuds/crazyoldhermit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The satirical saga continues, as Obi-Wan and Mace Windu sit around a camp fire chewing the fat...and Jar Jar Binks. A crazed Windu lays out his plans for revenge and galactic domination.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 468

When we last left our hero, an insane and foul mouthed Mace Windu showed up at Obi-Wan's door. Mace held him captive until Obi was finally able to gain his trust. 

 

TATOOINE - Day 468:

The three moons of Tatooine filled the night sky, illuminating Mace Windu as he sat next to me by the fire. We were nearly done feasting on the remains of Jar Jar Binks. 

"Damn Kenobi, this is some tasty fucking Gungan. If I had known he would be so delectable I would have eaten this mother fucka years ago."

I smiled to myself, "I'm rather surprised myself."

I had saved one of the ears for last. The webbing between the cartilage was rubbery, but packed with flavor. The gristle itself was extremely oily, but by far the most delicious part. 

Mace was loudly sucking the meat out from between his teeth. "Still, he's a stringy bastard."

"And he didn't taste like fish," I added. 

"Well, as I hypothesized Kenobi, although our little friend here was an aquatic mammal, he did not reside directly in the water. The Gungans stayed dry in their bubbles. So there is really no good reason why he should taste like fish."

"That's true, Master Windu."

"Personally," Mace explained, "I'm glad the guy didn't taste like no mother fucking fish. Fishes are dirty fucking creatures! They swim in their own shit and piss. Nasty fucks."

I grew quiet. It had been a few days since I last checked on Luke. I had no idea what Mace's intentions were, and his presence here was going to hinder my mission to watch over the young Skywalker. 

"Hey," Mace waved his greasy fingers at me, "you still with us?"

"Yes. Sorry Master Windu."

"Now, I ain't complaining or no shit, because this is some righteous fucking eats," Mace hesitated for a moment, "but what made you cap the Gungan?"

"I can't really say." I answered truthfully. "I heard his voice and I just snapped. It was a knee jerk reaction."

"No doubt, Kenobi. Jar Jar was an annoying mother fucka." Mace laughed. "And he was the one who granted emergency powers to Chancellor Palpatine. I reckon the Gungan had it coming."

"Indeed." I couldn't believe what I had done. Maybe part of the reason was because Jar Jar had been so close to Anakin when he was a child, and I couldn't stand being reminded of that innocent boy every day. 

"A Sith Lord!" Mace yelled. "I mean, can you believe that shit?! A mother fucking Sith Lord, right under our noses! Shoot. The Jedi council was filled with some dumb ass bitches if we missed that shit."

"I know."

"And now this EMPEROR has a new apprentice, something like Darth Tater, or some shit."

"Vader." I dreaded this conversation. 

"Right, right, right. Darth Vader. Now what you know about that mother fucka?"

"Umm," I hesitated slightly. "I haven't actually seen him, only heard things from the travelers in Anchorhead and Tosche Station."

"Yeah, me too." Mace was disappointed. "Just rumors and shit. Big black mother fucka with some kind of super space suit and breathing apparatus. Must be an alien."

"Possibly." I tried to keep my mind clear so that Mace couldn't sense my thoughts. 

"And I'll let you in on a little fucking secret, Kenobi. Remember how I told you I was on Tatooine because of Boba Fett?"

"Yes..." Here was yet another topic that concerned me. The child bounty hunter had grown on me and I didn't want anything bad to happen to him.

"I'm gonna kill that bitch!"

"Why?" This was horrible. 

"Cuz that little mother fucka tried to assassinate me on the Endurance, remember?! He blew up the whole God damn ship!" Mace kicked sand as he screamed. 

"Well, you did kill his father." I said curtly. 

"That's cuz the mother fucka was trying to kill me!" Mace looked me up and down. "Damn Kenobi, you sounding like a Separatist sympathizer."

I couldn't help but chuckle, "There are no more Separatists. There's only the Galactic Empire and everybody else."

"Ok, I hear ya, Kenobi." Mace's mood swung back again. "So I'm going to take out Boba Fett, who I hear is working for Jabba the Hutt. Then I'll replace Fett at Jabba's side, because who the hell wouldn't want an old Jedi as your own personal bounty hunter?"

"Ok...then what?"

"Well shit," Mace smiled, "now comes the best part. I'm gonna take care of that bitch Hutt too and start raising my own mother fucking army. Then we'll go after Palps and Vader." 

"Wow." I was completely stunned. "Revenge, huh? Master Yoda would not approve."

"Yeah, well that little green dude is dead, and I ain't living by no Jedi codes no more. How do you think I got this gaderffii stick?"

"Do I want to know, Master Windu?"

"I killed half a Tusken village, with nothing but my one hand and the Force." He boasted. "And stop calling me Master Windu. That ain't me no more."

"Ok, Mace." 

The first of two suns began to peak its head over the horizon. Mace and I had talked all night, while we had an old friend for dinner. 

"Well Kenobi," he said, standing up, "time for this old mother fucka to get some sleep. Mind if I take the bed? It's been a long damn time since I slept in a God damn bed."

"Sure. Help yourself Mace."

He started towards my hut, but then came back and rested his stump on my shoulder. He whispered in my ear, "It'll be good having you by my side instead of that bumbling idiot."

Then he was gone. 

The overwhelming incidents of the last few days were taking its toll on me. First, Qui-Gon's spirit showed up, and then an insane Mace Windu attacked me. He took me hostage one day and then the next he informed me that we'd be raising an army together to overthrow the Empire. The only positives that I have on my side is that he doesn't yet know who Vader is or that Anakin has a son. However, as Mace's plan progresses the likelihood of him finding out increases exponentially. 

Sensing that Mace was now asleep, I took the opportunity to make my way to the Lars homestead to check on Luke. Using electrobinoculars I watched as Luke built palaces in the sand. Beru was nearby, looking at Luke with the loving eyes of a mother. I missed them both terribly. The life of a hermit could really suck ass at times. Then that douchebag Owen joined them, and I knew it was time for me to head back. 

Within a few minutes I saw a figure in the distance walking toward me. As we got closer I realized that it was Mace. I checked to make sure my lightsaber was still on my hip.

When we reached each other, Mace looked at me suspiciously. "Kenobi, where the fuck you been at?!"


End file.
